Wayfinding

“Our society often follows the wrong stars. We track celebrities as if it’s breaking news. It’s as if we’re using someone else’s map to find our way, someone else’s measurements to determine our worth, some fickled criteria like numbers on a scale, or in our banks accounts to determine our value. This is where wisdom is paramount because it will guide you back again and again to your true course if you are willing to trust the map of your heart.” -Elizabeth Lindsey

So much of my life I have felt lost.  I think that is why this podcast 

https://findingmastery.net/elizabeth-lindsey/

with Elizabeth Lindsey on Michael Gervais’s Finding Mastery podcast has resonated with me so deeply since I listened to it for the first time over a year ago. No one would ever know I was lost, over the first 40 years of my life I became a master conformist and have been blessed in the ways of the stars that our society follows.  I have experienced material success, have enough talent and intelligence to fit in, can turn a head if I want to. I have worked hard within those navigational beacons, raising 4 beautiful kids, imparting wisdom where I can. I try to leave spaces better off than I found them and these habits created a good life except for the part that ignored the stirrings of my heart.  I allowed myself to ignore those stirrings while striving to do the "right" thing. I am so good at following rules set out by others that most of my life I never questioned them. Instead, I showed those around me how good I was at following and supporting. I think I believed that is where my deepest in a way that it was worth lied.  Those who know me best know that I stop at  stop signs on my bike even when there is no traffic around and have massive trouble sneaking a sandwich into the movies (“no outside food”), like I am trying to smuggle drugs across the border.

Today I know that so much of this lost feeling came from quietly trying to fit in rather than sit quietly with myself and figure out the story that my life was really meant to tell.  I love words, deep thinking and solitude. I am an introvert and an empath and the world can quickly deplete my energy. I used to feel like I needed to sprint through things, because I wasn't sure when my energy would wane. I have had to learn not to be afraid of the attention that comes from speaking my mind or seeking my purpose.  I have the courage now to let my thoughts wander deep and not just to a point where I can ponder, but then come back around and fit them into the same conforming story that I needed the outside world to see to feel safe and accepted. It doesn't always please everyone I am finding. In learning to listen to my heart and not just my head, the journey I am on becomes a little lonelier in many ways, not everyone understands and thats ok. What I find though, is the place where my head and heart intersect and I don’t feel lost. I am not there all the time, it is a continual challenge each day to change my habits and seek out this place, but when I am there, I am amazed at the real connection and energy the world provides.