There is so much emphasis on balance in life these days, and combining balance with the ebb and flow of emotions of life is something that I have wrestled with on many days over the last few years. I’ve always been pretty even keel when it comes to handling my feelings, but in my earlier days, I didn’t quite have to absorb the chaos of life that came my way in the last few years either. I've learned that it's good to slow down, feel deeply, and yet not react quickly, and cry when I need to. I've learned that comparing my life to a story of what I thought I deserved is the perfect way to play victim, a game I have never been fond of, and that even though some days are rough, I am far from crisis. All that being said, today I couldn't shake the feeling that my life had left one station, and I am barreling down the tracks, with good intention, trying hard to get to the next destination, and when I didn't arrive by the end of the day, I ended up slowing to a crawl, feeling defeated and with a voice saying in my head, “why did you think you could go to the grocery store and be a writer?” There is just so much to do, it's overwhelming. I know that sounds less than my optimistic self, but it’s important to me to be real and acknowledge that, although most of the time I don’t find it hard to focus on the positive and keep my mind firmly set on personal growth, every so often I come up short and I know it’s important to process it.
Today was a struggle day…I miss my kids and feel like there isn’t enough of me to go around…not just for them which is most important, but for friends, family and my own ambition. After my knee surgery three weeks ago, I had to take some time off from yoga and my head feels so cloudy, it’s hard to stay focused and prioritize what to do next. On top of that, today I was feeling the weight, rather than the excitement of my goals, and the life I’m trying to create for myself feels further off than I want it to.
It’s so different than what I imagined. Stay present, the little voice says, keep working. I do, and it rescues me from the slipping down the road of “what if’s” and needing to know an outcome right now. On top of these feelings, I know my voice and my words sound different to old friends, almost unrecognizable in some cases, so I hesitate to reach out, because it's hard to feel understood. So I write about it, and even as these words flow from my fingers, the weight starts to lift, and I start to feel better. Maybe I can be a writer and go to the grocery store, both are pretty important right now.
The thing about personal growth is that it doesn’t ever start from that comfortable spot on your couch, all cuddled up with your soft blanket and sipping hot tea from your favorite mug. Growth is more likely to begin in a crouched position in the farthest corner of the closet with your hands shaking, and a fear so intense that it blinds everything for a moment, before strength takes over. Somehow, in my life, I knew that the only thing that would alleviate this paralyzing fear was action. Action I didn’t feel like taking, but knew I had to. One foot in front of the other, setting small goals, like getting in the ocean every day and going to yoga. Simple choices that started to rewire my brain and the way it worked. Slowly but surely, I started to rise and create a new normal. I’ve talked with so many people lately who have similar stories of fear or feeling defeated. There is so much pain out there, but I know there is more resolve and resilience.
My point is, its ok to hurt, to struggle and to be discontent. It keeps the fire burning, even if you have to step away from the flame for a few minutes every so often. That's my take away from a day like today. Not every day will come up roses, but leaders and followers are separated by what they choose to do when the chips are down, and I am a leader. I will examine and not bury, push forward even when I don’t feel 100%, and know that over time the path will become clear. The cool thing about life is that there is no moment of arrival, we are all works in progress as long as we want to be. I am a writer, even when I don’t feel like writing, an athlete, even when I am healing, and a mom first, foremost and always…a blessing that even on the hard days, makes everything better.